[48]

I feel like life has been beating down on everyone I know for the past few months, and even more so the past week or two.

Jane's mom died suddenly on Sunday night, and she was young. It's so unexpected. Emily's dad got in a serious car accident today, and I can't imagine how they must feel. I know my dad has been extremely stressed out--beyond the usual stress level. I personally, have found myself in places where I never thought I would be, with scars I'm not sure will ever leave. And all the grade 12's I know have been stressed out over life, because we're having to make all these hard decisions about our future, when all we want to do is just stay in our little bubble and bypass all the planning. As of today, most applications are in and I'm thinking that the stress level might alleviate a little, but looking at my planner, I know that there will always be more to do.

Lately, I feel like I'm always on the verge of a breakdown. Like I'm one moment away from releasing all the protection I've been putting up against the world. From friends, family--everyone. Breakdowns come easier now, and I'm never sure what will make that brick wall I put up come down and let the emotions flood out.

In the midst of this all, I made a new friend. She's from New Jersey.

Time to hit the Calculus books. Again.

[47]

My friend's mom died today at 6:18.

Showing again how temporal we are, and how we should cherish every moment we have together(as cheesy as that sounds).

[46]

After a long past couple of months, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Applications are basically done, just a few things to patch up on; my arm is getting better; and my social life is somewhat coming back. I feel so much better than earlier this week.

My Friday was one fantastic day. Thursday after school, I hung with one Ms. Lindsay Volkenant and slept over. We headed to our grad photos in the early morning which was somewhat horrible (we're both not morning people at all). But after that we had a fantastic day, spending a large amount of time in Michael's. I must say, arts and crafts supplies are quite expensive. THEN. I spent my night at a fundraiser concert for my friend's church. I love Filipino people. No joke. I am now an honorary Filipino. =)


At the same time, I wish I knew what other people thought/think of me. I'm so worried about how I'm affecting people; if they find me annoying or not, or whether they genuinely like me, or just acting.

[45]

It's a horrifying idea, but I am seriously contemplating it.

[44]

English Lit is frustrating. It's Monday.

Happy Birthday my friend!

[43]

Looks like another all-nighter.

Looks like another late night.

[42]

All-nighter? Maybe. Stupid essay.

[41]

Happy Valentine's Day!
 Here's a song for you: Red Roses- AJ Rafael.

[40]

------I got AJ Rafael tickets! =)

[39]

"Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you don't know why, not because you don't know your purpose. Not because you don't trust them. But because you can't find the right words to make them understand."
-Unknown

[38]

to put it briefly, the thing that scared me the most about my dream was the idea that someone I love could die, drop out of the universe, just not exist.

I'm not mentioning names. But it still has me scared.

[37]

"Most of the time, it's a lot easier to say you don't care than to explain why you do." 
-Unknown


So much has happened, yet. None of it matters.

[36]

This week has been going by so extremely slow.

I had a crazy serious scary upsetting worrying dream on Monday. It's been on my mind.

[35]

"People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it."
-George Bernard Shaw

Life went from perfect a week and a bit to ago, to downright crappy. Argh.

My elbow hurts. My back hurts. Physio on Thursday and Massage on Friday. In the meantime, piano will suffer. But it can't be put off. What am I supposed to do? Practice RH for the next 4 days?

So much homework too:
Wednesday: Geo vocab, Band history test (pt. 1),
Thursday: Calculus, always
Friday: Geo test.
Throughout the week: English Lit essay outline, Monday essay due.

Ugh.

[34]

Definitely cried in public today and didn't give a crap what anyone thought.

[33]

Life sucks. I don't want to go to the play. Can I just sit in my room and blast music for the night?

[32]

Friends suck.

[31]

Quote of the Day:
"The more you try not to care, the more you will end up caring."
-Unknown

You know what I specifically noticed today? I kind of hate it when music artists I like go mainstream. I do LOVE that they get to share their talented selves with the world, and they get credit for being good though. But then there's some sort of personalism I seem to lose with them. It's not as if I really knew them to begin with, but through Youtube or Facebook or whatever, I "knew" them before mainstream media did.

Take FM for example. I love FM, even though they're not my usual type of music, but because of their channel, I felt like I knew them, and I knew them WAAYYYY before 99% of this world did. But now that they're "mainstream", I feel like everyone thinks that they "know" FM. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense here. To top it off, they offer their criticism. That's totally not a bad thing, but. I feel offended sometimes? when people are like. Oh they suck crap.

OR. When people were talking about how "Like a G6" has another "bad" meaning, when in reality. It's actually just a plane. Argh. I'm not sure how I'll feel if someone like AJ or David or any other <3 go mainstream.

[30?]

Spanish class. Wasting time. Wooh.

Justine Reynolds next to me. ;)

[29]

and NOW my week has ended. my day started alright. but progressed downhill ending in a crash with a bump uphill.

things I learned today:

• Music is ALL about balance. Beyond the two hands, or the two voices, but even practicing techniques and stuff. 
• I really shouldn't expect much from people, because then they only disappoint.
• Apparently it's a lot of fun to pick on younger kids. *cough*

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! 

[28]

My perfectly amazing and wonderful week (starting last Wednesday) has now been ended on a Tuesdays. Man, Tuesday's just aren't my day.