[59]

I'm on Spring Break. It hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I'm hoping it will tomorrow. I've been wasting my time away watching Lie to me* which is a fanTAStic show. In reality, I should be getting ready for my UBC Music audition which is on Saturday. I'm really nervous.

[58] a tiny insight. link from t.

we’ve been friends for what? 3 years? apparently best friends for 2? maybe? that’s what you said anyway. it hurts to know that after all this time, you don’t care what I think. you’re brutally honest, and in an unnecessary way. you never value my opinion, you never want it. so why do I cherish yours? it hurts to know that you don’t value me as much as I value you, all other emotional feelings aside. it hurts to know that in your eyes, we’ll never be on a level field; I’ll always be lower you. you always try to prove it, whether it be through our grades, our smarts, our social lives, our ages. and most of the time, it doesn’t matter, I wave all the usual pain aside. what else can I do at school? you’re just one of a hundred people who hurt me every day. but now, the times where we’re supposed to be honest, and nice with one another. it’s when you hurt me the most. what should I expect? i shouldn’t have expected anything differently. we may put up fronts in front of other people, but I guess you put a front when you’re with me too. it’s really quite painful to know that you’re just like everyone else. you were a nice guy, once upon a time. I guess not anymore. so where does that leave me? the one person that I thought I could rely on at school. and now I have no one. I honestly have no idea why I thought you’d be different, as cliche as that is. I guess all I can do is bear through the next few months, and then I’ll be done. they all just don’t understand.

[57] thoughts.

they don’t even know. they have no idea. sometimes I wish they would all clue in, but at the same time, I don’t want them to find out. to judge me more than they already do. It’s fine. A few months and I’ll have a fresh start.

[56]

I'm becoming more obsessed with Italy. I want to learn Italian. I want to live there. Not in the touristy areas though, where there (excuse the obviousness) are tourists everywhere, and tourists stands. But classic Italy. The way it was all those years ago.

I've been redecorating my room. Slowly. But it'll be finished sometime. I hope.

[55]

Don't be afraid, it's only love.

[54]

Ohmycow. Noah Bartfield's on chat.

[53]

Quote of the Day:

[52]

This deserved a separate post.


Alban Berg. You have ruined my day. What were you thinking in composing such a depressing opera? Wozzeck kills the woman he loves, then drowns himself. To make matters worse, the music heightens every emotion you're feeling, the disgusting dissonances. Ugh.

I come home. Then my mom threatens me to play piano. Life went from one insane high, to.. a moderate low.

[51]

This weekend came and went in a blink of an eye. My Saturday was packed, what with my sister coming home, piano, teaching and hitting the ballet Saturday night. My Sunday was even better. I spent 3 hours standing in the cold, watching this crazy girl scream at cars, 1 hour listening to local talent I don't know (which was actually pretty good) to see AJ Rafael. And Noah Bartfield. Who's ridiculously good looking.

I spent all that time, and another $10 ($35 in total) to spend a good 45 seconds with them. And it was totally worth it. Great live, and super nice people.

[50]

All the hard work and effort put in this entire week finally paid off! Evening of Jazz went spectacularly, and the after party at BP was just...the perfect way to end the night. Friends chilling in the restaurant till 12.

In other news, I am in love with Assassin's Creed 2. So much. I definitely gamed for 2.5 hours today. Like the nerd I am. *Insert typical Asian face here*

[49]

Reaching that breaking point again.

[48]

I feel like life has been beating down on everyone I know for the past few months, and even more so the past week or two.

Jane's mom died suddenly on Sunday night, and she was young. It's so unexpected. Emily's dad got in a serious car accident today, and I can't imagine how they must feel. I know my dad has been extremely stressed out--beyond the usual stress level. I personally, have found myself in places where I never thought I would be, with scars I'm not sure will ever leave. And all the grade 12's I know have been stressed out over life, because we're having to make all these hard decisions about our future, when all we want to do is just stay in our little bubble and bypass all the planning. As of today, most applications are in and I'm thinking that the stress level might alleviate a little, but looking at my planner, I know that there will always be more to do.

Lately, I feel like I'm always on the verge of a breakdown. Like I'm one moment away from releasing all the protection I've been putting up against the world. From friends, family--everyone. Breakdowns come easier now, and I'm never sure what will make that brick wall I put up come down and let the emotions flood out.

In the midst of this all, I made a new friend. She's from New Jersey.

Time to hit the Calculus books. Again.

[47]

My friend's mom died today at 6:18.

Showing again how temporal we are, and how we should cherish every moment we have together(as cheesy as that sounds).

[46]

After a long past couple of months, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Applications are basically done, just a few things to patch up on; my arm is getting better; and my social life is somewhat coming back. I feel so much better than earlier this week.

My Friday was one fantastic day. Thursday after school, I hung with one Ms. Lindsay Volkenant and slept over. We headed to our grad photos in the early morning which was somewhat horrible (we're both not morning people at all). But after that we had a fantastic day, spending a large amount of time in Michael's. I must say, arts and crafts supplies are quite expensive. THEN. I spent my night at a fundraiser concert for my friend's church. I love Filipino people. No joke. I am now an honorary Filipino. =)


At the same time, I wish I knew what other people thought/think of me. I'm so worried about how I'm affecting people; if they find me annoying or not, or whether they genuinely like me, or just acting.

[45]

It's a horrifying idea, but I am seriously contemplating it.

[44]

English Lit is frustrating. It's Monday.

Happy Birthday my friend!

[43]

Looks like another all-nighter.

Looks like another late night.

[42]

All-nighter? Maybe. Stupid essay.

[41]

Happy Valentine's Day!
 Here's a song for you: Red Roses- AJ Rafael.

[40]

------I got AJ Rafael tickets! =)

[39]

"Sometimes, you just can't tell anybody how you really feel. Not because you don't know why, not because you don't know your purpose. Not because you don't trust them. But because you can't find the right words to make them understand."
-Unknown

[38]

to put it briefly, the thing that scared me the most about my dream was the idea that someone I love could die, drop out of the universe, just not exist.

I'm not mentioning names. But it still has me scared.

[37]

"Most of the time, it's a lot easier to say you don't care than to explain why you do." 
-Unknown


So much has happened, yet. None of it matters.

[36]

This week has been going by so extremely slow.

I had a crazy serious scary upsetting worrying dream on Monday. It's been on my mind.

[35]

"People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it."
-George Bernard Shaw

Life went from perfect a week and a bit to ago, to downright crappy. Argh.

My elbow hurts. My back hurts. Physio on Thursday and Massage on Friday. In the meantime, piano will suffer. But it can't be put off. What am I supposed to do? Practice RH for the next 4 days?

So much homework too:
Wednesday: Geo vocab, Band history test (pt. 1),
Thursday: Calculus, always
Friday: Geo test.
Throughout the week: English Lit essay outline, Monday essay due.

Ugh.

[34]

Definitely cried in public today and didn't give a crap what anyone thought.

[33]

Life sucks. I don't want to go to the play. Can I just sit in my room and blast music for the night?

[32]

Friends suck.

[31]

Quote of the Day:
"The more you try not to care, the more you will end up caring."
-Unknown

You know what I specifically noticed today? I kind of hate it when music artists I like go mainstream. I do LOVE that they get to share their talented selves with the world, and they get credit for being good though. But then there's some sort of personalism I seem to lose with them. It's not as if I really knew them to begin with, but through Youtube or Facebook or whatever, I "knew" them before mainstream media did.

Take FM for example. I love FM, even though they're not my usual type of music, but because of their channel, I felt like I knew them, and I knew them WAAYYYY before 99% of this world did. But now that they're "mainstream", I feel like everyone thinks that they "know" FM. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense here. To top it off, they offer their criticism. That's totally not a bad thing, but. I feel offended sometimes? when people are like. Oh they suck crap.

OR. When people were talking about how "Like a G6" has another "bad" meaning, when in reality. It's actually just a plane. Argh. I'm not sure how I'll feel if someone like AJ or David or any other <3 go mainstream.

[30?]

Spanish class. Wasting time. Wooh.

Justine Reynolds next to me. ;)

[29]

and NOW my week has ended. my day started alright. but progressed downhill ending in a crash with a bump uphill.

things I learned today:

• Music is ALL about balance. Beyond the two hands, or the two voices, but even practicing techniques and stuff. 
• I really shouldn't expect much from people, because then they only disappoint.
• Apparently it's a lot of fun to pick on younger kids. *cough*

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR! 

[28]

My perfectly amazing and wonderful week (starting last Wednesday) has now been ended on a Tuesdays. Man, Tuesday's just aren't my day.

Quote of the Day

"Life is an echo. What you send out--comes back. What you sow--you reap. What you give--you get. What you see in others--exists in you. So stay nice even when others are not."

--Unknown. 

[27]

Day was completely ordinary in the best way.

I keep having dance parties in my head. And then going to dance, but then people just kind of look at me weird, because they can't hear the music in my head.

[26]

Quote of the Day:

"If you truly love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy...even if it's not with you."

-Unknown

[25]

Life seems to be passing by quite quickly. It's almost February, university applications and the such are, if not already in, going in. I'm graduating high school in 5 months. I don't think I'm quite ready for this.

[24]

Saturday night was all about my dear friend Abby. She recently turned 18 and had her debut.

It involved getting all dressed up, taking pictures, eating, dancing and having fun with Abby. It was a good night.

[23]

Quote(s) of the Day:

"Never pray for something you're not willing to do yourself."

"Can you see me? No? It's okay. I'll just smile. You can see my teeth." 

Quote added because Rebekah thought I was copying her. Happy?

[22]

Missions Fest 2011! Youth Rally was tonight, and I got back home about a half hour ago.

It was awesome! Other than my feet killing me from all my walking, I had one heck of a time.
Speaker was Steven Lungu. He was from Africa, and was just about one of the coolest people ever. He recently (or not?) wrote a book about his life before he was a Christian and how he transitioned into that. It was inspiring. Look him up?

On a lighter note (kind of), I ditched my church and crashed BAC. Because of Rebekah Ho and Victor Chau. I like their church, and I really like them.

Well. I have piano in 9 hours, so. I should head to bed.

[21]

Where I am.

Where I want to be.

[20]

My Quote of the Day:

"The worst thing in the world isn't being alone. It's being surrounded by people

that make you feel like you're alone." 

 
These past two days have been quite excellent. I've found that the small things in the world just make everything so much better. Like Caleb's nice gesture in Choir [it was like the movies, where the guy offers the girl the jacket, except for the fact that Caleb and I aren't dating], or my dad taking me out to lunch. Hugging someone you haven't in awhile, or eating a donut. (Yes, I know I technically spelled doughnut wrong). I've been getting through university applications like nobody's business, and researching schools and stuff really isn't too bad. Pro-D Day tomorrow! For now, life's good. Until the next week comes, and with it the next round of work to do.


I want to travel. Or live abroad for a semester or something.

[19]

Define complicated:

it's when you don't know where you stand in a person's life
it's when you're hanging in dead air and knowing you can be thrown off anytime
it's when you're like more than friends, but not really
and it's like you're lovers, when it's really otherwise

sometimes you would want to wish to have never met the person at all,
but at the back of your mind, you're thankful that you have.

[18]

Had one fantabulous day. It's not that anything excellent really happened, but it was over-all relieving which affected my day.

Early morning, I took the Math 12 Provincial (again). Which was just over all relieving, because it's been causing me SO much stress lately. Like last night. Completely broke down because I was so frustrated with it.

But then it was over. I think I did alright.

Lunch was halfway done, talked to Meidema, said I could miss a bit of class if I wanted. I love Meids. Uhm. Went home, ate NOODLES. Took a nap, told my mom to wake me up at 12:30. She forgot I was home, ran to school at 1ish, went to Geo, it was so chill. Talked with Stacy Cho, and she told me about her crazy dream that I totally would have made real for $10. It involves a boy, a classroom and my declaring my love for him.

Band. Well, it's the break before band. I was just so happy and relaxed, and everything was good. Chilled with some awesome people well into class before we actually went to band (the whole bunch of us). And two others who have a spare block (Justine!!! <3)

After today, I feel a bit closer to many of my friends. I've been feeling distanced lately, but. Today kind of made it all better.

I like her.

[17]

frus.tra.tion.

blasting this song's helping me get through: 


pent up emotions and thoughts normally pushed down threatening to spill over. all day.


maybe not so much for the lyrics, more the angryness feel kind of.

[16]

LIFE IS SO DARN STRESSFUL.

I always think that I have just these few stressful things to do, but then I remember the other stressful things I have to do. Like University Applications. Yeah, I already applied. BUT WAIT! There's more. Supplemental Applications, where I have to think about my life and answer some really detailed questions. I have to get on that, while also handling all my schoolwork, on top of practicing approx. 2 hours a day, because I have a festival coming up. Sometimes I wish that there were about 5 more hours to my day. What do I need? A nice cup of my mom's Earl Grey tea. She makes it so perfectly that I can't replicate the tastiness of the tea she makes. My back hurts.

Things to do:
Study/Review for MATH 12 PROVINCIAL -Wednesday
Spanish vocab quiz- Tuesday
Grad Transitions- When do they end?
Music supplemental application -Feb 28, 2011; preferred Feb. 1 to give you your audition date by the 15th.
Arts supplemental application- March 31?, 2011
Other university applications and stuff- Varies.
Calculus test- next week ;; REVIEW/finish homework
English- seminar project thingy
Quartet practice- tomorrow, 7:30
Masterclass/playthrough - Friday, 12:30
Piano -Saturday 10:00
Teaching Paige- 1:00
Teaching Cara- 2:00
Teaching little kids -3:15?

One good thing on the docket-- Mission's Fest.
OOH. Abby's debut. Gotta get on that.

[15]

Life is one hectic mess.
Emotions aside, I've got a Math provincial Wednesday, and boatload of homework, and some major piano practice needed.

I recently caught up to How I Met Your Mother (Great show!)
There's this one line from an episode (like Season 4 or 5) that caught my..ear?, although it was also pointed out to me.

"Define the Relationship"

Yeah. It seems I need to do that. I mean, you say we're best friends, but you won't talk to me. You say we're friends, but we never see each other. So what are we? I don't want to lose you as a friend, because you just mean to much to me, but. What can I do?

[14]

"It's the worse feeling in the world to love and hate someone at the same time. And it's hard to watch things change, when all you want is for them to stay the same. It's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and you want to move on, but you're stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go, and you can't decide what you want. When you have so many things to say, but you don't know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them further and further away. It's hard to think back to how things used to be, and look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same again. You tell yourself it's not worth it, but if it really didn't matter, you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it."
--The wise words of someone on Tumblr.

One of these things recently entered my life. That would be the CD. The necklace was once lost, but has now been found, in the place where a few things in my room go to die. Or happen to fall.

When Friday comes around, I'm excited for the weekend, but not nearly excited as most people are. Many of my friends get to sleep in, and spend their weekends killing zombies or going out with friends. Mine? Just as busy as my weekdays. Saturday I have piano bright and early, all the way until 2 or 4, depending what I'm doing, either way, it'll involve piano. I'm not complaining, I really like doing piano, but I kind of hate how much time it consumes. Many of my piano playing friends may agree with me. Sundays... well church consumes most of the day until 3ish. And then I go home, practice piano and do homework. Oh crap. I have Act V of King Lear to read.

My Saturday was piano filled till 4, and since then I've been reviewing Math 12, which I totally don't remember, because I'm retaking the provincial on Wednesday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life seems to be speeding by, like it's moving super fast. But then in the moment, it seems slow. The year is going by very quickly, and I know that exams will be over and I'm graduating from high school before I know it. But then, I sit and class and think, when will this class be over? I don't know. One of the weird, random things I notice in life that really don't make any sense to anyone but me. 

[13]

My Friday was completely ordinary. Nothing bad happened, but nothing good happened either. Darn. I was thinking earlier about something that I was going to write in my blog, but now I forget. 

Another thing, talking to a camera is the most awkward thing. ever. Because you're alone, by yourself, talking to an inanimate object as if it can hear you. Now, I'm normally a fan of doing that, I do it quite a lot, asking random things why it did something. But talking to a camera? So. weird. I wonder how the huge Youtubers feel about talking to themselves, or even acting out a skit with no one there. 

Anyway my Friday night was spent doing making a Youtube video, and practicing piano, cause I have a lesson tomorrow. I also taught. And I'm exhausted! Erm. My life's boring. Deal with it.

[12] more memories of that beautiful night

Talking with  my friend Grace about Youtube and of course, Chester was brought up. Gosh I must seem obsessed with this guy, but I just want to remember that night forever!

So. Chester and the dudes are all trying to get in shape. Which I don't really understand, because they're all either in shape, or they're ripped. But I know that Chester's off alcohol and junk food until his birthday in April.

AND. After I left, he, Richard and Sav went to a few bars, and he didn't drink, so. Props.

[11] bittersweet? haunting?

I discovered this talented lady while watching LOTR, which I freaking love. Anyway, this song is, wait for it......hauntingly beautiful. These two words come to mind whenever I listen to this song. It can also be described by one of my favorite words: Bittersweet. I love the meaning behind that word, and all that it can describe, beyond just chocolate or candy. I love this song, because... it's beautiful, and it also kind of breaks my heart every time I listen to it. It makes me sad, but a happy sad. Like a pet just died, but it was in a lot of pain, so you're happy to let it go. Except that times 200. Like. Well to put it in a stupid yet meaningful context, like you just broke up with someone, but it was coming, so you're sad, but happy to move on. Does that makes sense?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, one of my favorite books is being made into a movie! I'm super excited. I checked out the studio that's going to make it, and the films from them that I've seen are good, so I'm pretty confident they won't screw it up. They got Lily Collins (from the Blind Side) to play the main girl, and Alex Pettyfer to play the guy. I've always pictured him for Jace (the character), but I'm a little worried about how old he looks. Because even though he's 20, he looks pretty darn old. If ANYONE is interested the book is City of Bones, by Cassandra Clare.



Well, I really should get on my King Lear reading. 60 some pages left until Act 4 is finished. Here we go.

[10]

Looking at my friends blogs, I realized that mine's really not all that complicated or interesting.

But I'm okay with that, because I like the simple things. Course, it'd be cool, but I'm okay with being plain. Because that's just who I am.

[9] One more short note.

It was soo cute! Because he started talking about how all the Youtubers want to marry Kina Grannis, how she's the girl everyone wants to marry. =) And I started playing Valentine. But she's had a boyfriend for 5-6 years? But they AAAALLLL want to marry her.

Still on the high from that night.

OH! He also talked about he and David Choi are a songwriting team. How he (Chester) will take care of the lyrics, and occasionally put some subliminal messaging in (there was this one song he talked about that I want to find), and how David will take care of melodies and stuff. So. Cool.

I just want to write down everything, so I never forget a detail! Which of course, will eventually happen.

[8] Night cont.

List of songs Chester sang:

Sugar We're Going Down
Grenade
Cooler than Me
Shed a Tear (snippet?)
Your Song
Tiny Dancer
God Damn, You're Beautiful,
Random improv time
My Heaven
Hallelujah (his favorite to sing/play)

And.. More. If I remember.


ALSO. He and Richard invited me to hang out after around Surrey and someone's house. But I sadly, said no.

[7] MOST AMAZING NIGHT. JAN. 15, 2011

I just had the most amazing, spectacular night! There's this guy called Chester See, he's a Youtuber from Cali. And he was in Surrey today, signing and meeting with people at Guildford Mall. I, after the crazy night with the girls and piano this morning, crashed for 4 hours until 6ish. I didn't find out he was at Guildford until AFTER he was gone, and after my nap. A bit later, I found out he was at the Sheraton eating and playing piano! So I went.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.
It was just me, him and a new friend, Richard. And so we just jammed, chilled and talked in a corner with a piano, singing inappropriate songs and stuff. I got to play piano with him (Heart and Soul). I played Valentine, by Kina Grannis, and just. talked. And stuff. We talked about his life in LA, how he sees Tom Cruise, about how his plans for the future, how Ryan and Kevin are moving in next door to him, it was just. AMAZING. We talked about Shakespeare, about how it's so much deeper than just the surface value. Apparently he loves subliminal messaging, and has a lot of it in his songs. Like in the one written by both David Choi and him. I want to find/buy his album NIKKI, because it sounds super cool. The song titles spell out "her" name, and they talk through meeting her, and stuff. And it's cool, because each song flows into another. I want to buy it.
He also improved/wrote a song for me! And it was awesome... but a little bit sketch. Cause it was a love song, talking about he's so in love with me, and how I'm all he needs. But because of that, he knows that I'm 16, in grade 12 (he commented on my smartness), and I play piano. It'd be nice... but it's kind of sketchy since he's so much older! But it was still sweet and nice. I recorded it. =)  He puts new spins on simple songs with cool chords, and he's doing it all by ear. He really is inspirational. And he's so friendly, and easy to talk to! Chester is awesome. AHAHA. He took a picture of me, cause I was wearing my nice guy shirt, and sent it to "Phil wong" (As he's entered in Chester's Blackberry) saying, "what an ugly shirt. right?" And Phil says back, "lol. get her outta that." So funny. I'd looove to be friends with them. But, unfortunately. I'm not. It'd be awesome.
His mom's Filipino! Which is awesome. He went to UCLA. I just. I have a lot of respect for this guy.

ALSO. He told Richard and me about this upcoming plan that he, Ryan, Kevin and a bunch of other people have. They plan to do a group version of Jumbafund, but film it and EVERYTHING. So a mix of jumbafund and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Take a part of their revenue from Youtube and put it to good use, whether it's for helping a needy person build a house, or helping sustain a needy family, or anything. It was amazing. He really is a nice guy. Oh gosh, I don't even know what more to say. I want to get it all down so I remember this for forever.

We talked about piano, and music. He's awesome. He improved so much! and it sounds amazing. I use that word too much. But it's okay. Because he's worth it. I don't know what else to say!